I’ll never forget that cold snowy January morning. It was two short weeks ago but seems so vivid in my memory still. I told Dennis something seems off. Angelina didn’t seem herself. For two days on and off she was acting weird and not eating as well. The dr. Told us it would be a pattern of three days if Angelina were to go into heart failure at home.

I called the cardiologist and rushed Angie to the ER at Akron Children’s. They knew we were coming. The heart center gave them the heads up.

On my way to the hospital I can honestly say I didn’t know how bad it was. Missing my exit because of my nerves and Angie’s cries of distress in the backseat. She never had let out this type of cry.

Getting their I made the mistake of parking in the parking deck. I was on the total opposite end of the hospital. Racing the stairs with the car seat and running down the long tunnels to get to the ER.

The nurse took us directly back she took Angie’s vitals and looked nervous. She called the nurses right away. They took her back to a room. Two different nurses came and and I literally turned to take off my jacket and as I turned around they were all gone.

That moment for the rest of my life I can honestly say I’ll never forget it. Standing there helpless I lost it. A moment were I realized how fragile life really is. I had always knew God was in control. At this moment it became so tangibly real and heart felt.

Angelina was taken back to a room where if I could count maybe if not more 8 dr.s, respiratory therapists, nurses, and staff started accessing her. Big lights, fancy equipment, big terms, and a fast paced environment that would cause any mother to feel total terror.

I kept asking them: did I bring her soon enough, was it my fault, and telling them she has been doing so well at home. Do they get this bad this quick?

A dr. Came up to me and said: you did the right thing bringing her in. You didn’t do anything wrong. They called in a chaplain to offer me support.

Once stabilized and on a vent they took Angie up to the PICU. I forever will never forget my nurse that day. She was something special. I could not hold Angie and she was sedated on the vent. It was so hard to see her like that. My perspective on parents who have experienced this and have much sicker children then Angie had radically changed. My heart literally hurt as I would walk up and down the hallway seeing numerous children on vents.

Tests were done and it turned out that Angie was in acute respiratory failure that morning when we arrived at the hospital. The grunts we thought at first were her trying to poop were her protecting her airway. Crazy enough it was her way of surviving as her lung were filling up with fluid.

The vent was to help her heart know enlarged and lungs have a break, they set her up on lassix’s to get rid of the fluid. They found that Angie had hypothyroidism which could have been a big contributor to why everything happened as it did. The thyroid slows the body down and affects heart function.

That first night Angie was in the PICU Dennis and I left to grab a bite to eat. We went to target and each bought a pair of comfy pants. Why, I’m not sure because if you know us well enough we love our sweatpants and have a million pairs. We were coping, that night was long as we slept next to Angie’s crib with her pulse oxygen count buzzers beeping and the vent machine buzzing as they were trying to keep her settings low so she didn’t become to dependent on the vent.

I felt God’s hand on Angie that night he provided us comfort. I had a dream that night envisioning angels alongside her bed easing whatever pain and suffering she felt. As I laid on quite possibly the most uncomfortable pull out bed my face sweating on the plastic sheet covered pillow.

The next few days were rough. I ran the stairs, walked the halls, painted my nails some really rad color as we celebrated New Year’s Eve sleeping next to Angie’s crib on the hospital floor. Dennis was doing a push-up routine with a deck of cards he brought while I was trying to rehab my hips as they have been so sore since Angie’s birth. We were coping the best we could.

My sister in law sent a text: “how are you doing?” That’s when it hit me. I
Told her: ” I have my coping mechanisms. Doing the best I can.” I thought this could be so much worse. We know what the problem is and we are treating it with therapies and medication. I watched countless parents walk the hallways, sit next to their children on their iPhone, or one lady who tried to bum a cigarette off me after I have just did my 8 flights of stairs workout. They were all coping the best way they knew they could.

It strikes me now that we are home hopefully until surgery that everyone has struggles,seasons of pain, sorrow and we all cope some how some way.

My biggest coping mechanisms: being with Dennis and the girls, one point it was food, one point it was shopping,then the working out once I was able, was huge to the coping process, and of course a lot of trips to the coffee cart at Akron children’s. Writing on my blog and my fitness challenge in 2014 which you can find here: 2014 keeping it simple in 2014 fitness challenge . Right now I know going back to my workout regimen will be hard with the season I am in, and just taking small steps to attempt to get back to my healthy lifestyle seems like a simpler less overwhelming goal. After seeing a lot of sickness and health issues at the hospital that are out of many children’s and parents control, a lifestyle I am even more passionate about.

Once home I began praying over Angie all hours of the day and night. It struck me in the middle of a prayer.

The coping mechanisms they are all natural and they do help, but the help is temporary. It seems like the Coping mechanisms they start to fade after a while.

But:

Jesus, his love ENDURES forever. He provides comfort at all hours, he is there to listen, to give us the might to move on through the next minute, he helps some how some way get us through really extremely tough stuff. He forgives us, he never leaves our side, and his mercies are new as we wake each morning.

Jesus is how we cope and the only way we have made it through this season.

“Even when I walk through he darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

These lyrics from Hillsong “All I need is You Lord”: Keep repeating through my head this week

Left my fear by side of the road
Hear You speak, won’t let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father’s love, that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord

All I need is You
All I need is You lord, is You Lord

One more day and it’s not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You’re watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

‘Cos all I need, is You
All I need is You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord